When I realized that I would be spending a significant amount of time in Rhode Island, I began looking for a deck that reflected the spirit of the state. My go to deck for California is the Gaian Tarot and I wanted something that fit Rhode Island as well as that deck fits California. I spent a lot of time searching for the perfect deck. I even expanded my deck to all of New England and still nothing. I searched for Salem decks and nothing.
It was only that Yemaya started calling to me in Rhode Island that I realized that New England is all about colonialism. It was in Massachusetts that the Wampanoag people met the pilgrims and then were decimated. And Rhode Island had the largest slave trade in the colonies at one point in time. It began coming into focus for me that I wasn’t going to find a pretty little deck of oceans and trees to represent Rhode Island, I was going to find a hard core deck that was going to take me to places that hurt.
I’m choosing to read with this deck for July 2023 as I’m realizing that I can’t celebrate the 4th of July anymore. It is no longer about patriotism for me as I realize that our founding fathers were fighting for freedom for white men while enslaving others. I’m also seeing the giant step back that our country is taking by taking away abortion rights and threatening LGBT rights.
First Impressions: This card is interesting as Donald Trump and Ronald McDonald are worshiping at the feed of the Pope. For me this card speaks of the highly integrated nature of religion and money.
Guidance: Be aware of your own naivete and tendency to comply with societal expectations.
Journaling
This is an interesting card for me to pull because today I let go of some societal expectations. I called out a man for his bullshit behavior and I told him to fuck his goddamned feelings. That is me stepping outside of the box of little miss needs everyone to like her. I’m realizing that everyone is not going to like me and I have to accept that. I have to let go of the need to be liked and the need to take care of everyone.
The need to take care of everyone is hard for me as I like to be liked. I want people to think I’m smart and amazing and I want people to think I’m a good person. However, the truth of the matter is that not everyone is going to like me. I can twist myself into knots and there will be people who do not like me or who think I am weird or think I am incompetent. Look at D. at work, there are people who think she is doing a great job and I think she is doing a crap job. All she does is harangue everyone to get their tasks done.
And look at my relationship with John. I hated him at the end because he was cruel and mean, but I still wanted him to like me. My ego struggles so hard with people not liking me. I think it goes back to my mother and the fact that she raised me to believe that I was nothing without a man. I feel like that in order to exist I need someone to like me and take care of me.
Where I’m At: Today’s the day of our Change Impact Analysis review and it was an interesting day. Instead of getting through them all, our conversations went down the path of discussing process. We ended up leaving the folks on the phone hanging and the team decided to delay putting field workers in the system. We talked with R. and J. after about training, etc. and he refused to be in his office with the door closed even with J. on the phone.
After work, I drove to Boston and I found this awesome store called Ravencraft and I spent way too much money. I bought a little rhodonite skull that I didn’t realize until I checked out was $120. It was a little too much, but I love it and it is perfect for the Master of Death. I also went to Revere Beach, which I call Anubis Beach as that is where we went the day I bought the big Anubis. I always remember the cops wanting to talk to me about what I was doing. I thing they thought I was a devil worshipper.
The worst of the day was the text war with R. I found out when I called P. to pull the trigger on using Accenture for metering that R. had written Pratik and asked for demos and told him that his team did well when unconstrained from OCM boundaries. I went ballistic and ripped him a new one via text. His take is that he was just praising the Accenture team and he gaslit me to believe that I was just being a control freak who wanted all the praise for herself. I saw through that, but apologized as I had bigger fish to fry. I knew that my calling him on it meant that he knew that he could not go around me and that’s what I really wanted to accomplish. He needs to get that I own all OCM and he cannot go around me.
I really hate these dumb fights, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter. I have a job to do and to a certain extent I need him. I’m also staying at a hotel on Unicorn Lane and who can be unhappy on Unicorn lane. I worked until about midnight writing up a working paper on the decision to not use iPads for field workers until October.
Weather: It was an absolutely beautiful day. I went to the beach after work and it was son wonderful to just hang out and watch the waves.
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent 7%
Sunrise / Sunset: 5:26 / 8:17
Gratitudes
I’m grateful for Phil’s call and the personal conversation
I’m grateful for the engagement during the CIA
I’m grateful for P. telling me about R’s email
I’m grateful for setting a boundary
I’m grateful for telling him to f* his G* feelings
I’m grateful for ACN taking action
I’m grateful for the beautiful weather
I’m grateful for the beach