Put yourself in a moment where you were not fine. Maybe you were terrible, and maybe you were TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. Put yourself back in that moment when you lied. Why did you do it? Whose feelings were you trying to save? Write what you wish you would have said, and imagine where that honest conversation could have led you.
A few months after John’s heart attack, we discussed divorcing so the kids could get more student loans or at least that was my plan. However, his plan was to actually get divorced. I’d taken his heart attack as a signal that we could rebuild our relationship and have honest conversations. He viewed it as a time to live life on his terms without being tied down by a wife and family.
I called my mother to tell her we were separating and the thing is that she never ever asked how I was doing. She asked how the kids were and she even asked how John was, but she never asked how I was. Maybe I was putting on too good of a happy face and she thought I was truly fine.
I wasn’t! I was devastated and felt as if my whole world was crumbling around me. It felt as if the past 22 years had been a lie. As if all my sacrifices and all my love weren’t enough to save my marriage. And because of how my parents had raised me, I believed that I was nothing on my own. I had been raised to believe that my only worth was in taking care of other people and that I was worthless if there was no one for me to take care of.
To add insult to injury, she said in a very judgmental voice “There isn’t going to be a divorce, is there?” For my mother it was all about appearances and I know she was wondering how she would tell her churchy friends that both of her children had gotten a divorce. After all, we weren’t independent people capable of living our own lives. We were simply a reflection of her.
That was the last time I talked to my mother. I was so broken and crushed that I could not deal with her judgement. I could not deal with being put down and berated for making different choices than she would have. I was so fortunate to have Blaze in my life and I was so fortunate to have found my way to the doors of Al-Anon. Their love helped me to find peace with living alone and to begin to love myself.
I’ve also learned that when the people who are important in my life ask how I am, I need to be honest and vulnerable because it is in our vulnerability that we find ourselves and our strength.